She Who Believes

Today is the last day of my twenties. It has been quite the decade. There has been a lot of both good and bad, because let’s face it, this is life. You cannot have one without the other. In the last ten years I have experienced a lot and honestly my life right now looks incredibly different than what I had expected or planned. I assumed I would be married with a kid or two in tow living in some cute little house with at least two dogs. I currently am single, live in a studio apartment, and travel too much for work to have a dog. However, I would not change my current situation for what I used to want or expected to have at this point. If I had gotten what I wanted when I wanted it then I would not be who I am now. I would not have learned how strong and resilient I am. I would not have had the adventures I have taken. I would have no idea how deep my independence radiates. I would have a completely different life, one that I thought I wanted, but was actually not intended for me. Thank God. The 22 year old girl who had her life planned had no idea of what she was truly capable. Do I still want to be married with kids and a house filled with dogs? Yes. But I want it at the right time, with the right person and not just because society tells me it’s time and my biological clock is ticking.

I think about what I have experienced over the last ten years and how I have picked up and moved when I wanted and how much those moves refined and shaped me. I would not trade those times for anything. They were hard as hell, but I needed them. Those experiences brought beautiful souls into my life and allowed my heart to grow deeper and bigger than I knew it could. I have cried, grieved, fought anxiety and depression, lost a sense of myself, been angry, been short tempered, felt utter despair, and have lost hope in moments over this decade. I have also laughed, felt immense joy, fallen in love, expanded friendships, stood in awe, been so thankful I was moved to tears, stood beside my best girls as they got married, held the precious babies of some of those same besties, been rendered speechless by beauty, chosen bravery, and have found a truer sense of self. I have made mistakes, but I have also chosen the right path. Essentially, in this last decade I have truly lived, and that is something of which to be proud.

Twenties, you were a wild ride. Excruitiating and exhilarating. Thirties, I hope you bring even more adventure and a bit more kindness with you.

Cheers to a new chapter

Let’s get caught up.

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn. My God, do you learn. — C.S. Lewis

Aubrey said to Legacy something to the effect of, “and you’ll keep writing so you don’t live a life of crushing regret.” I smiled instantly and didn’t even have to look at Kate’s face to know which expression she was wearing as she nearly threw herself across Megan to whip her head around at me. She asked me consistently if I was writing. I wasn’t. That worried her. I love her for that. We were in a movie theater watching Pitch Perfect 3 after a hell of a week, and it was only a Wednesday. I was nearing the end of my time in New England and I didn’t really know what the next part of life would look like for me. I felt lost, like I had lost touch with myself and my purpose. I think that is why I avoided writing, I did not know what to say and what I wanted to say I was not ready to work through yet. I felt stuck. As we walked to the car after the movie I thanked my roommates for the night out and for them understanding I needed a pick me up. Snow had started to fall and I knew it would be one of the last snows I would see before I headed back down South.

It has been a year since I sat in that theater wearing pajamas and drinking a glass of wine. A lot has changed in 12 months. I moved back to my home state of Tennessee. I started a new job. I travelled to Haiti in April and was intending to go back this month, but our trip had to be postponed. I ended a relationship with the sweetest man in the whole world in August. The relationship ended after a lot of prayer both together and separately. Thankfully we still have only love and respect for one another. In fact, we had lunch over Christmas and then again when he passed through Chattanooga on his way to Birmingham to start a new job in his company. We both have a lot of new in our lives. It is a strange thing when life does not pan out the way you planned. Although I have no idea why I have not yet caught on to the fact that life will never go according to plan. You would think 29 years of experience would have gotten that through my head by now.

2018 was a heavy year, a transitional year. Beautiful and difficult. Exciting and excruciating. Do you have a specific year in your life that you can look back on and see so much change within those twelve months? A year that instantly comes to mind when you think of facing obstacles? 2018 will be one of those years for me forever. In fact 2017 will be as well. It has been a long and weird season in my life and yes there has been beauty that has come from this time too, but there has also been a lot of pain and struggle. I think that is why it has taken me so long to write again, I was not sure where to start or what to say. I had intentions of writing a whole series on each season of my time in New Hampshire and to be blunt, I was tired just thinking about it. That idea no longer excited me and it no longer felt necessary to help me process. Instead, I want to start fresh. It’s a new year and I am hopeful a new season will soon be ushered in because frankly I feel “blue in the face” with this past one.

I do not have a big take away for you in this entry, I suppose it is more of an annoucement that I am feeling more like myself these days. So you can expect more writing to come for those of you who would like to follow along. I would really love to hear from you about what type of season you are in currently and how you are handling it. What good is attempting to build a community of readers if I’m the only one doing the talking? So let me know how you are, who you are, and maybe even who you are hoping to be. Let me know what the thing is in your soul that you say “yes” to in order to avoid a life of crushing regret. I feel like those are going to be some really beautiful and fun answers.

Until next time,

Jen